


Sight of the Stars

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abelism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe- non magic, Angst, Baby Harry, Blind Character, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Platonic Affection, Platonic Kissing, Recovery, abelist language, blind!Remus, corneal transplants, established relationships - Freeform, sight restoration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-18
Updated: 2015-12-18
Packaged: 2018-05-07 11:12:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5454527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus Lupin had always been blind, but when presented with the opportunity to have his sight restored through a corneal transplant, he's not sure he wants to go through with it.  Sirius reminds him that whatever he chooses, there's nothing that can break them apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sight of the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Alright so, this is for a tumblr anon request who wanted a fic where someone has their sight restored through a surgery they previously couldn't have afforded. I hesitated in taking this on, because these types of fics can come across as abelist--however I did my best to make sure the story is portrayed that the choice belonged to Remus, and there is nothing less about being blind.
> 
> I would like to take a moment here also to BEG certain fanfic writers to stop one particular trope that I've notice getting trendy--which is having fics where blind people are ashamed of/don't use mobility devices. It's INCREDIBLY abelist. Mobility devices are one of the most important part of a blind person's independence and having them not use them for fear people will "know that they're blind" is really offensive. There is nothing shameful about being blind or low vision. There's nothing wrong with sighted people knowing--in fact part of the reason those things are important are for the SAFETY of the person using them. So I'm begging you. It's not a cute trope. It's offensive. Expecting a totally blind person to move round a massive University campus without a mobility aid is not only ridiculous but again--abelist. Mobility devices are not shameful!
> 
> Okay I'm finished with my rant--but honestly it had to be said.
> 
> In this fic, I've done as much research as I can, but I kept the details fairly minimal to avoid any misrepresentation. I know a lot of fics have characters who get their sight and immediately they're blown away by the beauty of their lover-- which is unrealistic if a character has been blind most of their life. So I tried to keep Remus' experience as realistic as possible.
> 
> Hope you like it. There's an incredible amount of fluff--but honestly, I think most everyone should come to expect that from me by now. x

Sirius Black had always known he’d be destined for Hogwarts. One of the most ancient schools in Britain, and nearly impossible to get into if you didn’t have _some_ connection—not counting those charity cases which Sirius had to hear about at length, over and over

“They won’t be like us, like you,” Walburga said, her nose in the air. She was Thai, born and raised, but herself had gone to Beauxbatons—the woman’s school until recently when they started to become more modern, and she’d met Orion at a winter function between both schools. Arranged marriage by technicality, but the pair had long since decided it would be a good match even without the aid of their families. “You’ll be able to tell them apart by the state of their dress, mostly, and their accents. And the way they carry themselves. Trust me, you must ensure you’re put into Slytherin House, Sirius.”

Everyone assumed Sirius had always been the rebel. That he’d always been aching to disobey his family the moment he got the chance—but it was far from the truth. He was obedient and good. Or he wanted to be. Never mind the small flame burning in his belly he didn’t have a name for until he boarded the train and managed to escape his incredibly boring cousins for a compartment with three other, much more interesting lads.

He’d been invited in by the Indian boy with the accent almost as posh as his own, and he said alright because he assumed his mother would have marked him as alright. Of course if Sirius had the chance to tell Walburga and Orion Black he’d met a Potter on the train—he’d have been warned off almost immediately and might have never got to where he was today.

Instead he sat down and shared sweets and stories with the lot. 

Peter Pettigrew was from Chelsea—his parents just above working class. Physicians which wasn’t the best job, but not the worst. He knew his parents would have preferred something in politics, or like the Potters—ambassadors, though Sirius had no idea what kind of ambassadors, nor that his parents would have been beside themselves because the Potters worked to combat colonialism. Never mind they still sent James to Hogwarts which was the epitome of.

The third boy, though, captured Sirius attention most of all because he was most definitely working class. His jacket and trousers looked second hand, and his hair was untidy. And he sat with his face toward the window and eyes closed, but he laughed whenever they said something funny and even participated a bit in the conversation. He was Scottish, but said he was living in London now after his mum had passed two years before. He was weird.

And his name was Remus Lupin, which Sirius appreciated because it was almost as strange as Sirius Black.

James eventually decided to go find the trolley for something to eat, promising to bring back loads to share, and Sirius took the opportunity to slide next to Remus since Peter ran off after James like a lost puppy.

“You going to sit like that the whole ride?” Sirius asked, staring hard, willing Remus to look over at him.

Remus’ brow dipped but he didn’t open his eyes. “Like what?”

“All…” Sirius waved his hand in the direction of Remus’ face. “You’ve not opened your eyes once.”

“Oh.” Remus shifted, turned his head a bit toward Sirius. “Not much point of that now, is there?”

Sirius blinked at him. “Er. What?”

“Well since I cannae see.”

Sirius took it like a physical shock, slammed back against the seat, confused and maybe a little frightened because the sheltered boy had never met anyone who was _blind_ before and his curiosity was waging war with his nerves. “I didn’t know.”

“Well now you do,” Remus said, and his tone was amused. “My dad said Hogwarts is attempting to become more diverse. Dunno what that means exactly but…”

“Well like they’ve just started admitting girls,” Sirius said, parroting what his parents had spoken about. He’d been warned not to speak up against it, but to do his best not to associate with them too much as they could distract from what would be an otherwise decent education. Sirius assumed he’d have been warned about disabled boys too, but he was _fascinated_. “Can you open them, though? Your eyes?”

Remus blinked a bit, then turned his face all the way up. Sirius stared and Remus knew it because he flushed a little, then closed them again.

Sirius reached out, unable to help himself. “Just…I’ve never seen eyes like that. They look like the moon.” And it was true, they did a bit. Remus was born premature by nearly two months, and an infection had set in, scarring over his cornea leaving just a sort of foggy, blueish where iris and pupil would have been. By the time the doctors noticed it, it had been too late to do anything about it.

Hope and Lyall did their best, of course, and Remus had even gone to a school for the blind. But the Headmaster had been recruiting, attempting to gain more diversity in their school and had found Remus’ name amongst students with very good marks in his year. So he was extended a scholarship and the opportunity to participate.

Lyall insisted to his son it would be a good move. Remus was hesitant because it would not be as inclusive as a school built for him, but hearing the desperation in his father’s tone, he acquiesced. Their family was still broken by the loss of Hope and honestly being that far from Lyall made Remus feel better. More guilty, yes, but better.

“Sorry,” Remus said after a bit, though he wasn’t sorry at all because at his old school no one really had enough vision to notice if his eyes looked different, “if they bother you, I mean.”

“They don’t. They… I…”

Remus let out a long-suffering sigh. “You can ask questions if you like. I mean I told James and Peter and they weren’t fussed but…”

“Do they hurt?” Sirius blurted. “Can you see anything at all? Do you have one of those dogs? Or a cane? Can you read? Are you scared?”

Remus let out a tiny, “Christ,” under his breath, and turned fully to Sirius. “No it doesn’t hurt. I can see light and shadow but that’s about it. I don’t have a dog, but I have a cane. I can read braille. And what’s there to be scared about?”

“I dunno, people taking the piss. Playing pranks. Aren’t people mean about it?” Sirius asked because under different circumstances he might have been mean about it. His cousins absolutely would.

“I suppose,” Remus said with a sigh. “I’ve had people be mean about it before.”

Sirius felt something hot and protective bubbling in his gut and he reached over, taking Remus’ had for the sudden vow he couldn’t stop himself from making. “I won’t let anyone come at you, Remus. At all. Ever.”

He meant it.

Remus was vaguely annoyed, but he could hear the sincerity in the boy’s voice and really it would just be a matter of time before Sirius realised Remus didn’t need his help all the time.

But there it was. The start. All four boys took their entrance exam, all four boys were placed in Gryffindor much to Sirius’ parents’ dismay. All four boys became inseparable and in time Sirius learnt exactly when Remus needed help, and when he didn’t.

And at sixteen he learnt he very much fancied boys.

And at sixteen and nine months—after he’d been disinherited and kicked out of his own home to live with the Potters and had to finish out sixth form on scholarship granted by Dumbledore himself—he was very much in love with Remus Lupin.

At seventeen and elven months, he learnt Remus Lupin loved him back.

*** 

It had been the longest day. Sirius had used the inheritance his uncle left him—something which both surprised him and cemented his family’s unending hatred for him—to open up a motorbike garage where he both built and repaired bikes. It wasn’t the most lucrative job—although they were increasing in popularity as the price of petrol wasn’t entirely affordable these days—but he enjoyed it. And that mattered.

Remus had finished off his A-levels to get into King’s where he was currently studying history because he was a big swot that Sirius loved so damned much it almost hurt. He was at his lectures, and Sirius was waiting for him on the sofa, freshly showered but still smelling vaguely of motorbike oil and petrol and other garage-y type things.

The door swung open, and Remus walked in, looking a bit wind-swept from the impending storm. He had his thick coat over his jumper, his cane in his hands he looked more than happy to get rid of, slinging it over the hook on the wall, and he kicked the door shut with his foot.

Turning to the lounge, he had a slight smile on his face. “Sofa?”

“Indeed. Having a lie down if you fancy being my human blanket.”

Remus’ grin widened as he shucked his coat, draping it over his usual chair. He made his way, shuffling his feet a bit because although Sirius had learnt a great deal rooming with Remus over the years at school, and flatting together for nearly three years now, he still forgot. Because he was Sirius. And Remus had learnt that every so often there would be a motorbike boot in the middle of the floor.

There was not one today, however, and he had an unobstructed path to his lover. His hands dipped down, finding which way Sirius was lying, then he draped himself all over his lover. It was a strange position, being that Remus was so much larger than Sirius, but he fit comfortably anyway, his feet only hanging off the sofa a little bit. He wriggled his toes, and dipped his nose straight into Sirius’ neck, breathing him in.

“Long day?”

“Longest and worst,” Sirius groaned into Remus’ curls. His hands drew up and down Remus’ back, loving the feel of the soft jumpers under the pads of his fingers. Remus, for obvious reasons, had never cared what his clothes looked like, but he would be damned if he didn’t wear the most comfortable things he could find.

Often it left Sirius giggling at the choices in fashion, but Remus would merely smile and remind him that at least he could get through his day feeling like he was wearing a cloud.

“Customers being rude again?” Remus asked, pressing kisses along the side of Sirius’ neck. His hands were bracing himself up on Sirius’ shoulders so he didn’t put too much weight on his smaller lover.

“Just demanding and horrid. The usual.” Sirius turned his head to look at Remus who was lying with his head on the cushion, his eyes cracked open a bit. Sirius fancied a snog, so he bit down on his lip, then sighed. “Bollocks. I was giving you my snog-me face again. I always forget, even after all this time.”

Remus laughed a bit, then lifted his hand, cupping Sirius’ cheek. “Do it again. Let me see it.”

Sirius did it, the barest bite to his bottom lip which in the past had sent lovers diving for his lips. Just now, Remus thumb carefully brushed across it, touching the edge of his teeth, the places where his lip dimpled, and he smiled softly.

“And this should make me want to snog you uncontrollably?”

“Yes. Is it working?”

Remus hummed, then moved his hand back to Sirius’ cheek before drawing his head down and pressing mouth to mouth. His tongue slid against Sirius’ pressing and pulsing gently, conveying want and desire and so much love. “Does that answer you question?”

“Mm, I believe so, though I might need you to repeat yourself?”

Remus laughed, then did so. After a bit, he pulled away, shifting so their groins weren’t mashed together because he’d had a long day himself and fancied a shag, but later. After his bath and the conversation he wanted to have with Sirius.

Who, it seemed, noticed something was on his mind. “What is it, Moons?” Sirius asked, putting his fingers in Remus’ hair. “You alright?”

“Well, I had a long chat with someone today. My Lit professor I've been talking to this summer asked me to meet him and a friend for a coffee. Turns out this friend is a surgeon.”

Sirius huffed. “Okay? For what?”

“Well, for a particular procedure he thinks I might be a candidate for.” Remus paused, shifting a bit on Sirius’ shoulder, and his eyes drifted closed. His hand, which had been cupping Sirius’ cheek, moved down to trace along his collarbone. “When I was really little, the procedure wasn’t really common. It was hard to find donors, and honestly the cost for something so experimental at the time was far outside of what my parents could afford. But it’s better now. I mean, manageable. And well…” He took a breath. “There might be a chance I could see.”

Sirius felt the shock hit him like a physical blow, and his entire body went stiff. He blinked, staring at Remus’ face and a hundred thousand scenarios went through his head. Every time he’d ever wanted to tell Remus, “I wish you could see this,” and every time he wondered what Remus would think if he could actually see his face. Not that it mattered now, because Remus loved him, but he would be the worst liar if he ever said he hadn’t wondered.

“I…er. What…erm. What kind of surgery?”

“Corneal transplants,” Remus said. “My problem is that my vision is obscured because my cornea scarred over when I was a baby. Several layers. But if the scarring doesn’t go down too deeply, I might be able to have a transplant.”

“Which means what?”

Remus smirked a little. “You want the gory details, Pads?”

Sirius swallowed, then said, “Yeah I think er…I think I do.”

“Well when a person dies, they can donate their cornea to an eye bank. And when someone is a match, a person like me will have the scarred cornea removed, and the donated cornea stitched in.”

“And that’s it? Then you see?”

“Well it’s a little more complicated obviously. I’d have to be on drugs—eye drops he said are the usuals—that would prevent my body from rejecting the cornea—and that’s not even a guarantee. There would be a profound adjustment period.”

“How? I mean erm, what kind of…adjustment?” Sirius noticed his hands were trembling and he tried to busy them by fisting them into Remus’ jumper.

“Well I’ve never actually been able to see, so I’d have to learn everything. Like an infant. I’d have to build an entire database of visual recognition which won’t be easy. The idea of it sets me on edge, truth be told.”

“But you’d…see? Proper see?”

“I’d need glasses,” Remus said with a small laugh. “Eventually, once everything settled in. But other than that, yes. Just like you.”

Sirius was so quiet, Remus prodded him with his nose. “Do you…do you want to?”

“I don’t know,” Remus admitted, burying his face in Sirius’ neck. His entire body went slack against his lover and he breathed in his scent. “I never realised it was an option, so I’ve spent my entire life fighting to be accepted as I am. It feels like…like I’d be giving in.”

Sirius hesitated, then drew one hand up, burying it in Remus’ soft curls. “Well I love you, and…well…I don’t care what you choose as long as it’s safe.”

Remus chuckled and pressed a few kisses along the side of Sirius’ neck. “I love you too, Pads. Come with me to the appointment, yeah? And then I’ll decide.”

Sirius swallowed, then nodded against Remus’ head. “Alright. Alright I will.”

*** 

After several rounds of rather uncomfortable tests, Remus found himself with Sirius, sat in an exam room being given his chances of success—which were high—and the recovery process.

“Much like we’d send a person losing their vision to rehabilitation, you’d need the same treatment,” the doctor said, his voice low and rumbling. It was soothing, in a way, because he wasn’t pandering to Remus or Sirius, and it set them both at ease. “It could take up to a year for your vision to plateau, and honestly you could experience rejection at any time.”

“What happens then?” Remus asked. His fingers were gripping his cane tightly between his legs, and he didn’t realise it was hurting until Sirius touched his arm and he relaxed. “I go blind again?”

“You could. Granted you’d still have the option of a second transplant—though the risk of rejection would be even higher. However it’s possible to stop the rejection as well, with the use of drugs. Your best course of action is to remain on the drops indefinitely.”

“Right,” Remus said, letting out a breath. “So the chances of success…”

“Very high. In fact, I’m disappointed this wasn’t attempted before.”

Remus licked his lips, shifting just a little closer to Sirius. “When I was younger, the procedure was experimental and honestly my parents couldn’t afford it. Then they passed and I had all-but forgotten it was an option.”

“Well I only say that,” the doctor went on, “because the younger you are, the easier the adjustment period is. But you’re in your early twenties, and you have good health for the most part. I think this could be a great success if you choose to.”

“And would you?” Remus asked, his tone a little sharp. “If you were me?”

“I’m afraid I can’t say,” the doctor admitted. “I’ve not the experience to be giving my opinion. This is my job, and I’d like to bring sight to anyone I can, so of course I’d encourage you to go forward with the surgery. But you’re also a very capable person who has a good life so asking you to give up what you know and put yourself through everything you’re about to…” He paused, and Sirius saw him glance between them both. “It could very well cause tension in your relationship. It’s not going to be like some fantasy story where you open your eyes after the surgery and know exactly what you’re looking at. It’s going to be completely alien and terrifying. You’re going to fall a lot, and run into things. It’ll be very much like a sighted person going blind. For a while.”

Remus licked his lips and breathed out. “I need to think about it.”

“Of course. It’ll take us a little while to run the tests through the lab and find a match. Meanwhile I’ve had the front desk email you all of the reading about the procedure. Educate yourself, think about it. The pair of you discuss the changes.”

“Thank you,” Remus said. He rose, sticking out his hand toward the doctor, and they shook.

Sirius, who hadn’t say a word, mumbled his goodbye as Remus took his arm, and the couple left the offices. “Can we get a coffee?” Sirius asked as they passed his bike.

Remus squeezed him tight. “God yes, please. I need a few moments.”

Sirius swallowed, then pulled Remus to a stop suddenly. Carefully taking him by the cheeks, he pressed several closed-mouth kisses across his lips. “I love you, you know that?”

Remus let out a startled laugh, his hand cupping round Sirius’. “Of course. Of course I know that.”

“I just…it sounds really terrifying, Re. And you’re alright. All of you, exactly as you are. You really want to go through that?”

“I don’t know,” Remus admitted. “I just…need time.”

Sirius dropped his hand and let Remus take his arm again. “Okay. I’m sorry. Take all the time you need.”

*** 

A week later found them laying outside under the stars. It was cold in spite of the fact it was summer, but the pair were covered in a down-filled duvet out at James’ mum and dad’s. Being so far from the city left the skies bright and open, a cascade of stars above them.

They’d done this before, come out to stargaze, and Sirius would spend hours describing the night sky, the galaxies contained in the vast blackness of the beyond. He traced constellations on Remus’ palm, making ones up for Remus, and carefully detailing out his own.

“When I die, I want to go to the stars,” Sirius breathed, his finger pressing down, then drawing a line, then pressing down as he traced Canis Major on his lover’s skin. “I want to actually be the brightest star.”

Remus smiled, carefully palming Sirius’ cheek, his thumb rubbing against the skin. “You are the brightest star. I’ve always been able to see you.”

Sirius laughed, turning his face to press his lips to Remus’ palm. “Mm. I suppose.”

They fell into a silence, Remus laying his head over Sirius’ heart to listen to the dull, muted thump beneath his ribs. After a short while, he took a breath and said, “I’ve never really understood it, when you describe the stars. I mean, the concept I get. Pinpricks of light on a black sky. But I don’t…I don’t get it. Just like I don’t get colours. Or clouds. Or a rainbow. Just like I don’t get when you say your eyes are like the grey of a stormy sea.”

Sirius let his hand drift up into Remus’ curls, and he toyed with them. “Do you want to? Is it important?”

“I don’t know,” Remus said from behind a sigh. “I can’t…I’m struggling, Sirius. I don’t know if I’m being irresponsible by turning this down. I mean, I think about how many people I’ve known who would give anything for a surgery to give them sight. How many don’t have the opportunity.”

Sirius nodded against the top of Remus’ head. “Yes, but you’re not doing it for them, Re. You’re doing it for you. It’s not like the fucking little bell that gives angels their wings.”

“I know,” Remus said slowly. “But…I think I want to. I want to see the stars, Sirius. And…and if I hate it, you can just claw my eyes out or something. If it’s too awful.”

“Christ almighty, Moons,” Sirius said, but he pulled Remus’ face up and kissed him hard. “I’m here for you no matter what, okay? So if this is what you want, then…then let’s do it.”

Remus breathed out through his nose, then laid his head back down as Sirius went on tracing the constellations over his arm. He didn’t say anything more, but nothing else needed to be said.

*** 

They found a donor for him. Luckily he was an easy match, so they could move forward with the surgery which was going to be a fairly quick, and simple procedure. He would be given anaesthesia to sleep as the scarring in his eyes was a bit deeper than their usual patients. The new cornea would be stitched in, then he would be given protective wear on his eyes whilst everything adjusted.

The whole thing would be less than an hour, and he’d be going home when it was finished.

Simple as that. Low risk, and there was nothing for him to fret about.

Except the whole life-changing, having sight and not knowing what the bloody fuck he would be looking at for who knows how long it would take him to recover.

The night before the procedure, neither he nor Sirius could sleep. They were too anxious for sex, so instead they spent the night lying all over each other in their bed, the window open letting cool air ghost over their skin.

Remus was perched on top of Sirius’ chest, his chin digging into his sternum, but Sirius didn’t seem to mind it much. Remus had his eyes closed, basking in the earthy scent of his love, enjoying the warmth surrounding him as Sirius drew lazy patterns against the small of his back. 

“Tell me what you look like.”

Sirius frowned. “What do you mean?”

“One of the first things I’m going to see is your face once they take everything off. I mean, once everything isn’t a horrible blur. So…tell me what I’ll see.”

Sirius shifted, a slow blush creeping up his neck. “I’ve described myself to you before.”

Remus snorted. “Black hair, grey eyes, that’s not very descriptive.”

Sirius felt self-conscious like he never had in his life, and it rekindled a fear he’d been trying to cope with since Remus brought up the whole idea of being able to see. But who was he to deny Remus anything when he hadn’t before? Never in his life.

“Sit up,” Sirius said, dragging Remus upright as he braced himself against the wall. Remus settled between Sirius’ stretched legs, and Sirius put his boyfriend’s palm against his cheek. “Alright well, the first thing you should know—though I’m sure you do as you’ve known me since we were eleven—I’m extremely good looking.”

Remus scoffed. “Ah. Alright. So I should be incredibly intimidated.”

“Yes,” Sirius said, making Remus giggle. “No really, you should. I have criminally attractive features and it might be overwhelming. I mean, apart from the whole you’ve no idea what good looking is. Actually it’s a good thing we’re together. You could have fallen in love with Jamie and then where would we be? You’d be all mixed up.”

“Git,” Remus said, stroking his thumb along Sirius cheek. “Go on, though.”

“Well,” Sirius said, “I have what some might call aristocratic features. From centuries of carefully selected inbreeding which accounts for my adorable shortness, and sharp cheekbones.”

Remus’ thumb explored those cheekbones for a moment. “Alright.”

“I have a very good nose, no lumps or anything, turned up a bit at the tip which some may think makes me look snobby, but I think it looks angelic.”

“Lord,” Remus said with a shake of his head, but his first and middle finger drew down the line of Sirius, nose, carefully touching that upturn before stopping at the bow on his top lip. “And this mouth here? Hmm?”

“Well it’s very kissable, I’ll have you know. I have to ward people off all the time from trying to kiss me because it’s got a delightful pout.”

Remus’ thumb explored that very delightful pout before bringing his head in to kiss it. “I can see the appeal.”

“Can you?” Sirius murmured, kissing Remus once more before he moved on to his perfect ears, and wondrous hair. When they were finished, Remus drew him back to the pillow and feathered kisses all along his collarbone.

“I’ll get to see your cock, too, you know. Which I find unreasonably attractive already.”

“You might think it looks weird you know,” Sirius warned.

“Hmm, maybe. But I won’t forget how it feels,” he promised. There was a long moment of silence, and in that Remus could tell something was wrong. “Tell me,” he breathed.

Sirius shifted. “It’s nothing.”

“S’not. I can tell, you know. I’ve always been able to tell.”

Sirius huffed, turning his face away, but he held Remus tighter. “What if you can see me. Proper see me, and you don’t like it. And you’re not attracted to me anymore.”

“You honestly think that could happen? Ever?” Remus asked, his lips pressing against Sirius’ warm skin. “That anything could take away what we have?”

“Well…we don’t know for sure, do we?” Sirius pressed. “It’s not like we’ve had this opportunity before. I might turn your stomach.”

Remus laughed carefully, but used a hand to turn Sirius’ face toward him. “Okay let’s say that your face is just so incredibly unattractive I can’t stand to look at you. Then…then I rip out the transplanted cornea and go back to being blind and see you with my fingers forever because the only thing that really matters to me, Sirius, is loving you.”

“That’s the most…” Sirius couldn’t finish his sentence as Remus pushed his tongue into Sirius’ mouth for a moment. “I just…”

“I’m joking,” Remus said quietly.

Sirius huffed. “It’s not funny, Moons.”

Remus carded his fingers through Sirius’ hair very carefully. “I don’t think it’ll happen, because I can’t imagine any world where I didn’t love you madly. You do realise love transcends petty things like vision, right?”

“I do,” Sirius breathed. “I just…can’t help it. I’m sorry, I’m being an idiot.”

“Maybe a little. But you’re my idiot.”

Sirius breathed against him. “You know it’s not just that, right? That I…I mean I’m not so superficial that I want you to stay blind because I’m afraid you won’t like the look of me.”

“I know,” Remus said quietly.

Sirius shifted a little, somehow managing to draw him closer. “I just…you’re happy, right? As we are now. As you are now?”

Remus nodded. “I am.”

“So I just hope you never felt like you were broken. That I thought you were…”

“No,” Remus said fiercely. “No I don’t, I’ve never felt wrong or broken. This isn’t to feel complete, Sirius. It’s just something I want.”

“Okay,” Sirius breathed gently. “As long as it’s just that. Because you know, Moons…you are perfect. Always will be. No matter what.” As Sirius held him tighter, the pair managed to get a precious few hours of sleep wrapped up in each other’s arms.

*** 

Remus woke feeling groggy, a little achy, a pressure across his face which was unfamiliar to him. There was something lying on his arm as well, heavy and hairy, and it took him a moment to realise it was someone’s head.

“Mmfph,” he said, his mouth thick and sticky from the anaesthesia.

There was a short laugh as the head turned. “Welcome back to the world, beautiful.”

The voice was not that of his lover, but one of his very best friends. “James?”

“Hey.” A warm hand took his, squeezing his fingers lightly. “How do you feel?”

“Erm…” Remus shifted, reaching up to scratch at the heavy padding stuck over his eyes. “Uncomfortable.”

“You need anything for pain? You say the word and I’ll go bully someone in here straight away.”

Remus let out a hoarse laugh as he sat up a little. “I’m alright. Where’s Sirius, though?”

“On a tea mission. His nerves were getting the better of him because you kept waking up, then falling back out and waking up again without remembering.”

“Wanker,” Remus said, grimacing at the ache in his throat. “Is there water?”

James carefully placed a small cup in his hands with a straw, and Remus sipped at it. “The nurse should be in shortly to check your vitals. Then you can go home. Sirius already got all your meds sorted, so you can just go back to yours and rest.”

“Mm, that’s lovely.” Remus wasn’t in pain like he expected to be, so the worst really was the after-effects of the medications leaving his system.

Before long, Sirius returned and with him the doctor to explain what his routine should be like over the next several weeks of healing. “You’ve got plastic eye shields under the gauze which should be worn for at least a week, but you can wear regular glasses as well. You just need to make sure you prevent any foreign objects from entering either eye.”

“Right,” Remus said, his fingers tugging at the edge of his blanket. 

“The information about the drops are in the package and I’ve gone over it with Mr Black extensively. You’re welcome to take off the gauze whenever you feel ready, but just prepare yourself for the shock of it. I recommend low lighting, nothing strenuous, and should anything feel wrong in either eye, immediately phone my office.”

Remus bit down on his lower lip. “Do you…have you…checked on them?”

“When you were coming out of surgery we were able to verify the transplant has taken and you have some vision now. It’ll get more clear over the coming weeks, but could take a while for us to know exactly what needs correction.”

“Right,” Remus breathed. “Alright.”

“I’ve included the number for rehab, which you can make an appointment when you feel ready. Don’t hesitate in using your cane as your brain begins to process and learn things like your depth perception and visual identification. It’ll be a tough road, but I think you’ll be pleased in the end.”

Remus gulped, then reached out a hand, a tight knot on his chest uncoiling when Sirius took his fingers and pressed kisses to each of them.

It was a whirlwind after that, of being discharged and being wheeled to the kerb whilst James got his car and got everyone sorted. The drive back to the flat was short enough, and Remus, although he wanted to take things slow, felt anxious to know what he could see.

See.

Which was the most foreign concept of all. Something he had resigned himself to believing since birth he would never do. Something which always othered him, but something he had worked hard at living independently and just as good—if not better—than sighted people. 

And now he was one of them.

Potentially.

If it all worked out.

He was feeling more steady on his feet as they got back to theirs. He had his cane and took Sirius’ arm as James took all the post-op paperwork and medications, and the three went up to the flat. Remus hung his cane where it always went, shucked off his shoes, then made his way to the sofa where Sirius had a fluffy duvet waiting, and the kettle on.

“Do you want to try eating anything?” Sirius called from the kitchen.

“Maybe some soup,” Remus called back. “We have some left over, yeah?”

“I’ll put it on.”

As Sirius went to work, Remus felt the sofa dip as James joined him, a warm arm coming round his shoulders and drawing him closer. “Are you nervous?”

Remus laughed. “I’m bloody petrified, mate. Like my stomach is somewhere round my ankles right now, and I think if I make one wrong move I’m going to shake apart.”

James held him tighter, pressing a kiss to his temple. “You know we won’t let that happen.”

Remus grinned, leaning into his best friend. “Don’t you have a pregnant wife you’re supposed to be fawning over?”

“She’s presently bent over a toilet heaving her guts out. Morning sickness decided to make an ugly comeback, it seems. But only three more weeks to go.”

“If not sooner.” Remus put the side of his face against James’ shoulder and smiled when James buried his nose in the top of Remus’ curls. “Are you nervous?”

James chuckled and repeated Remus' earlier statement, “Petrified mate, my stomach is somewhere round my ankles.”

Remus laughed, wincing a little at the funny pressure in his head, but he let James hold him until Sirius got back into the lounge with a tray bearing two bowls of steamy, vegetable soup.

“Alright you two, I’m going down to the shops for a few supplies before Jamie has to rush back off to the baby-bearing one. Text me immediately if you need anything.”

Remus snorted, but reached his hand out, drawing Sirius in for a small kiss. “I’m going to be alright.”

“I know. But let me fuss, damn you. You’ve just had scalpels and other frightening things in your eyes. I mean, that’s the shit horror films are made of, Moons.”

Remus shook his head, but gave Sirius’ cheek a pat and sent him off. When the door slammed, James and Remus set to eating, though Remus could only stomach half before his body began to protest. With his hand, he found the edge of the table and carefully slid his bowl over. 

When James was finished, he cleared everything up, then took Remus’ hand. “You want a snuggle? I’ve had a surgery on my knee and coming off those drugs was horrible.”

Remus was feeling sleepy all over again, and he reached for James. “Til Sirius gets back. Then you’re released from your Moony obligations.”

“You’re not an obligation. You’re my second true love—tied with Sirius, of course.”

Remus chuckled as James clambered onto the sofa and took Remus into his arms. He pressed a kiss to the top of his head as Remus let the heavy feeling he was fighting, reclaim his limbs. “Jamie?”

“Hmm?”

“What do you look like? What erm…what am I going to see?”

James tensed a little, shrugging one shoulder up against Remus’ face. “Well. I’m Indian, which means my skin is darker than Sirius’. It’s a nice, dark brown, actually, and my hair is black so it’s a few shades darker than that. You’ve heard the world taking the piss about how messy my hair is, so you know that bit.”

Remus reached up to ruffle said messy locks and laughed. “That I knew, yes.”

“My eyes are brownish, which is also a dark colour. I’ve got a nice square jaw—Lily rather fancies it. Good nose, bump down the middle…” He went quiet as Remus reached out to touch James’ nose. That didn’t happen often—not nearly as often as it did between Remus and Sirius, no matter how cuddly the friends all were with each other. “Er, wide mouth, good teeth—rather proud of those. Dunno what else. I’m taller than Sirius, but you knew that.”

“Everyone’s taller than Sirius,” Remus said sleepily. His hand dropped onto James’ chest and he revelled in the fact that he had the most amazing friends in the world. “Love you Jamie. Know that, right?”

James kissed the top of his head again, just as Remus drifted off to sleep. “Course I do, Moons. I love you too.”

*** 

James was gone by the time Sirius woke Remus for his first set of the drops. It meant he’d have to take off the gauze and the eye shields, and it would be his first time consciously aware of seeing. Remus was quaking with nerves as he followed Sirius to the bedroom, and the door was shut.

“I’m switching off all the lights except the desk lamp, but I’ll put it on the floor so everything will be mostly shadows, okay?”

Remus was breathing heavy, almost to the point of hyper-ventilating, and he clutched Sirius’ hand hard. “Alright. I erm…alright.”

“It’s going to be okay, Remus. I swear,” Sirius said very softly as he did as he promised.

The room was plunged into mostly darkness as Sirius got the drops out, and he walked over, going to a crouch in front of Remus who was sat on the edge of their bed. With the edge of his fingernail, Sirius carefully peeled away at the hospital tape holding the gauze and shields on. It pulled away gently, not snagging on a single, stray eyebrow, and before long Remus was there without anything on his face, his eyes jammed tightly shut.

“Ready?” Sirius breathed.

Remus shook his head. “I…I’m not.”

“Well this will be quick, I promise,” Sirius vowed, clenching Remus’ fingers in one hand, the drops in the other. “Just…one eye at a time.”

Remus swallowed thickly, then very carefully, wincing, he eased his eyelid open. The entire thing was horrifying, and there were no words to describe it. It was just…stuff. Mass. Shapes. Nothing his brain could put words to, and it was overwhelming, like falling off a cliff with no idea how far the ground was.

His eye slammed shut as his breath caught in his throat and his head swam. “Christ,” he breathed.

“Alright,” Sirius said, stroking his thumb along Remus’ knuckles. “Let’s erm…let’s try something, okay?”

Remus turned his face toward Sirius. “Okay.”

“Just…just put your hand on my face, like you always do. So then when your eye opens, your fingers already know what you’re touching. So it won’t seem so…so scary.”

Remus nodded, carefully bringing his hand up to Sirius’ cheek. His thumb traced out the all-too familiar pattern he’d known since he was eleven. The curve of Sirius’ mouth, the careful arch of his nose, the wave of his cheekbone. 

“Alright, easy now. I need you to keep your eye open as long as you can so I can put the drops in. Unless you want to do it?”

“No I…you should,” Remus said in a rush. “At least for now.”

Sirius unscrewed the top off the drops, rising taller on his knees. “Alright. Go on.”

Remus pursed his lips, biting the inside of his cheek, and he tried to focus on what his fingers were touching. Sirius. He was touching Sirius.

Luckily for him, his eyes were still a blurry mess and there was nothing sharp or clear about what he was seeing. Shapes and shadows and…things. But it was easier, Sirius had been right. Touching him was telling his brain that whatever his eyes were trying to process, it was Sirius.

He found his other eye opening, zeroing in on his lover. His other hand snaked up to Sirius’ other cheek and he let his fingers carefully move, supplying the missing information. 

Sirius was holding his breath, not sure what to do, unable to move. “Moons?”

“Yeah. Hi.”

Sirius licked his lips. “You alright?”

“I…I think so.” He blinked, but his eyes began to sting and he winced. “You should erm. Erm. Put the drops in. It hurts.”

Sirius snapped into action, pulled away from the shock of his boyfriend actually looking at him through clear, amber coloured eyes and _seeing_ him. He took a breath, then carefully applied the drops as Remus tilted his head back and let his eyelids blink until they were set.

Grabbing a tissue, Sirius mopped up whatever had spilt over Remus’ cheeks, then carefully reached for the eye shields and hospital tape. “Alright?”

Remus nodded, swallowing thickly and still holding on to Sirius’ face like a ballast. “This is…I don’t even have words. I’m…well it’s you. I’m seeing you.”

Sirius thought maybe the moment would be magical—he hadn’t really know what it was going to be like at all. Tears which weren’t comprised of steroids and other chemicals. Maybe kissing. He didn’t know.

Instead it was terror and nerves and Remus looking more blind than he ever had because nothing made sense.

It made something somewhere in his gut just _ache_.

But they got the shields back on, and Remus asked for the gauze again, so Sirius applied that as well, and before long they were cuddled up under their duvet, holding each other tightly.

*** 

Two weeks later found them on the sofa together, on top of an old sheet, both in nothing more than boxers. Sirius had several palettes of paint laid out on the table, different colours in different shades, and he was letting Remus paint all over him.

With a laugh, Remus held the blue palette and was dragging his fingers through the different shades, making swirls across Sirius’ chest. “Considering I couldn’t have done this in my fives,” Remus said, leaning up for a blueish paint kiss, “I’m glad I’m learning my colours now.”

“Prat,” Sirius said, but he was grinning from ear to ear.

Not all of it had been sweet or easy. At all. Remus fell a lot, and he still couldn’t leave the flat without his cane, and two weeks hadn’t been nearly enough time to bank enough visual information for him to go about on his own. He couldn’t read, which was the most frustrating part of all, because whilst he wanted to explore, whilst he wanted to feel independent with his sight, he still needed Sirius to read to him from menus and road signs when no braille was available.

But some of it was also nice. Like this. Exploring old photos and learning faces by touch and sight. Getting to experience things previously just outside of his grasp. Like sunrises and sunsets. Like the gentle, curving smile over Sirius’ face whenever Remus walked in the room. Or sipped his tea. Or put on a jumper.

“Have you always looked at me like that?” Remus asked once when he caught Sirius just staring whilst he dunked his tea bag into his mug.

Sirius looked down, shuffling his feet. “It’s weird that you notice now.”

With a laugh, Remus drew him over, cupping his cheek and letting his fingers touch those gentle features he was learning in all new ways. “Still scared I won’t find you attractive?”

Sirius slotted their hips together, hardness pressed against hardness and he groaned. “God. No, I’m not. When can we shag?”

“Soon. Soon as I get the okay from the doctor.” They kissed gently, and then Remus went back to his tea.

Now they were carefully painting each other, Remus trying to bank all the colours, all the shades and tints into his head, because if he did lose his sight again, if the transplants failed, he’d want to remember this. Sirius covered with beautiful things and looking at him like he was the only person in the whole world who existed.

He was so in love. And although he was tired and frustrated and wishing that he could just stop existing between the limbo of blind and sighted and just go one way or the other, he had this. 

He pressed his paint-covered palm right over Sirius’ heart and left the imprint there. “You should get that tattooed,” Remus said, staring at it. His vision was still incredibly blurry, but as the weeks passed it got sharper, and he could see finer details now.

“I might,” Sirius said.

Remus’ current favourite thing besides this was to spend hours tracing the tattoos with his fingers, and trying to learn them all. He hadn’t really thought about how many Sirius had, though Regulus opening up a tattoo parlour offered Sirius more opportunity than most people had to be inked. But it was lovely. His body was a work of art and Remus just loved it.

“Do you want to…?” Remus’ words were cut off by a horrible sound coming from Sirius’ mobile. He frowned, wincing. “What the bloody hell is that?”

Sirius paused, then jumped up, scrambling across the room. “Baby alarm! I’ve put James’ number on special alert.” He fell onto the ground as he fumbled to answer. “Baby time?”

A voice screamed from the other end. “Baby time!”

*** 

Fifteen hours later Sirius and Remus walked through the hospital corridors. Remus was still using his cane, and wore darker shades because the light was still a bit much, but they were making their way toward Lily’s room.

The labour had been intensive, but she’d done well, and had given birth to a healthy baby sometime after midnight on the 31st of July. Sirius and Remus had been back and forth, not wanting to be a bother, but desperate to be two of the first people told hold Harry, and now that it was a reasonable hour, and Lily had time to recover a bit, and James was done having several moments of panic because, “Oh bloody fucking hell, I’m a _dad_ , oh god I’m going to fuck this up so bad, who thought this would be a good idea?”, they were allowed to visit.

“Alright?” Remus asked, taking Sirius’ hand and pulling him back away from the door. 

Sirius paused, then pulled Remus tight to him. “Yeah. I’m…hell Moons, we’re about to meet our godchild.”

“Yes, we are.” Remus cupped Sirius’ cheek, then kissed him. “Who is going to be the most spoilt, loved, adored child on the planet.”

“Yes,” Sirius said with a firm nod, “absolutely, without a doubt.”

Remus took the lead, reaching out carefully for the handle and feeling a surge of pride when he didn’t miss it. He pushed the door open, keeping his cane in front of him because he still didn’t always recognise when objects were solid and three dimensional, and the last thing he wanted was to fall on his face in Lily’s hospital room.

But they made it to her bedside and the first thing he saw—and was happy to recognise—were the smiling faces of Lily and James Potter. Two people he loved as much as he loved Sirius.

“Hi there,” James said. He was holding something tight in his arms. A bundle of something that Remus recognised might be fuzzy, was definitely small, and white. It wasn’t the baby, couldn’t be.

Then James turned the bundle and Remus caught a shock of wild, thick dark hair, and dark skin that matched his dad’s. It was a human, a miniaturised sleeping face of James Potter lying in the bundle, and Remus felt his knees go suspiciously weak.

“Oh. Oh there,” Sirius said, his voice tight. “Oh god, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.”

“You did no such thing,” Remus said with a snort as he took a tentative step forward, one hand outstretched. James moved into it, letting Remus’ fingers close round his arm, then Remus reached out, letting his hand touch and tell his brain what was there. A baby. Soft and warm and gorgeous.

“You want to hold him?”

“Oh,” Remus said as he watched James cradle this new life to his chest like it was the most precious thing on the planet—mostly because it _was_. “I’m…well I don’t…”

“Go on, there’s a chair if you want to sit.” James nodded toward the thing, and Remus touched it, verifying exactly what it was before he sank down. James knelt in front of him, and very carefully eased the baby into Remus’ arms whilst Sirius moved to the bed to kiss and nuzzle Lily for a while.

The bundle was both heavier and lighter than he expected, and so warm. Harry shifted in his arms a little, grunting and squirming before he settled against Remus’ chest and his breathing evened out. “Holy shit,” Remus breathed.

James gave a low chuckle as he pressed a kiss onto Harry’s forehead, then one to Remus’. “I know.”

“You did damn good,” Remus said, holding the baby just a little tighter. “This is without a doubt the most amazing thing I have ever seen. This whole shitty process is now officially worth it.”

“I’d be offended,” Sirius called from Lily’s side, “but you might be right, Moons.”

Remus looked up and squinted in Sirius’ direction, unable to see clearly that far, but knowing now which blur belonged to his lover and which belonged to Lily. “You know I’m right. I always am.” He looked back down at Harry and thought, ‘Yeah. It’s all been worth it.’

*** 

Just after Harry’s birthday party, Remus and Sirius managed to steal away from the parting crowd, one heavy duvet clutched between them as they hurried through the overgrown grass into the field behind Fleamont and Effie’s home. They found their spot, Remus mostly by memory of where his feet should go, and Sirius dragging him along by the hand.

The sky was cloudless and bright, and the pair settled onto the duvet, wrapping up together like a cocoon, arms tangled, Sirius’ back pressed to Remus’ front, and they stared up at the starry night, the sprinkles of twinkling light against the blanket of darkness.

Remus peered through his newly fitted glasses at a sky he never thought he’d see, and let his nose bury into the back of Sirius’ hair. “I love you, you know.”

Sirius grinned, twisting his head round to give Remus a slightly awkward kiss. “Oh I know. Believe me, I know.” He snuggled back, grabbing Remus’ hand to trace the constellations on his palm. It didn’t matter that Remus could see them now, or that things were a little different because they were still together, still madly in love. Nothing had really changed.

“We need to come back out here in November, when you can see my star.”

Remus laughed a little, turning Sirius in his arms before palming his face. He looked into the stormy grey eyes, now understanding what it all meant, but he had come to the conclusion months ago that sight hadn’t really mattered when it came to Sirius. That he always understood his lover, and what he held under his palms. And it was something secret and special between them no one else would ever experience.

“I’ve always been able to see your star, Sirius. And I always will.”

Sirius closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to Remus’ before kissing him deeply. “Promise?”

Remus laughed as he palmed his lover’s cheeks again. “Yes, my gorgeous, twinkling light. I promise.”


End file.
